Jen's Little Journal

Its been a while.

2009-03-24T10:14:00.003-04:00

I am now officially a mother of three. It just blows my mind. Amazing how quickly time flies.

Last time I wrote a blog post was over a year ago!

I have been doing a lot of self reflection recently. I am trying my best to put one foot in front of the other. I have had a lot of people walk in and out of my life. I truly feel that each one of them had a purpose. Whether it was a painful lesson or a blessing. I learned something. I cared. I loved. I hated.

Some people float in and out of my life. Some never fully understand me. Some will always be there for me.

I am not perfect and I know this. The only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes.

“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.”
Tallulah Bankhead quotes

It all started with a drop of a spoon

2008-02-11T22:21:00.000-05:00

I am in my kitchen putting the dishes in the dishwasher and I drop a spoon. I pick it up from the floor knowing I should check the oven. I trust my gut and sure enough I see that a pan has been left behind. You see my FIL frequents my house. I guess you could say we are his home away from home. He comes over when he is sad and lets the kids mend his heart. He is a sweet man who tries to be grateful and helpful when he can. He will even cook us dinner hence the pan left over in the oven. Forgotten sauce drippings covering it. It was just starting to smoke. Thankfully I dropped the spoon and trusted my gut enough to check.
We went away on vacation and are finally settling back into a routine. I need to start cooking again when I get home from work. It has been so much easier to pop something in the microwave. I need easy meals in under 15 minutes. Simple meals before my daughter starts screaming she is hungry!

Any suggestions?

January 13th Pictures

2008-01-13T15:46:00.001-05:00

Bring it on 2008

2008-01-05T18:41:00.000-05:00

Yeah it has been a while. Life has been giving me some lemons. Well I decided to try to make some lemonade. Instead of me dwelling on the negative things, I am concentrating on the positive.

I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. I have my health and the kids are great!

Andrew is in preschool now. He loves it! He is having so much fun. We have been overcoming some behaviour issues again. Time outs are still our best friend. He is a sassy one that likes to keep me on my toes. The way he tilts his head and says "But Mommy. I LOVE YOU." just melts my heart.

Cole is a trip. She has this sweet nature about her. She has the greatest laugh and already wants to talk on the phone. She loves to wrestle with her brother. She also knows how to put him in his place. If I didn't know any better she has been calling him "Drew". SO CUTE. When she wakes up in the morning she will kick the wall next to her crib to wake up her brother! Smart little girl! She also will try to get him in trouble with a fake cry when he gets too close. She is amazing and such nurturing child already.

I am sure you want a picture now huh?

Nicole talking away:-)

2007-07-24T08:43:00.000-04:00

Wanna see some video's?

2007-07-23T21:25:00.000-04:00

YUM

2007-07-17T07:42:00.001-04:00

Cole loves Andrew;-)

2007-06-16T07:08:00.000-04:00

There really is hope

2007-06-12T20:34:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here reflecting on my last year with Andrew. This time last year I was almost 5 months pregnant with Cole. I was literally pulling my hair out over our bedtime woes. Andrew would NOT stay in his room. He would sneak out of his room into the kitchen and wreck havoc. He thought bed time was a game. I was exhausted and ready to give up. Believe me walking up and down the stairs for an hour straight wears your patience. I had enough and I was worried about him hurting himself. I can't tell you how many times he would wake at 5am and sneak downstairs quiet as a mouse. I would wake up with my heart racing wondering if I heard him in the kitchen wreaking havoc. My husband and I reversed the locks on his bedroom door.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. He now knows leaving his door open is a privilege. My boy sits in his room and reads books until he is ready to sleep. He is most of the time a good little boy. He will cradle my cheeks in his hands and whisper "I love you Mommy." He melts my heart and brings me so much joy. He is now listening and following directions. Who would have guessed my son could change so much in the course of a year. He still has his devilish streaks but overall he has blossomed! I am so proud of him. Reversed locks no more!

Fruck.

2007-06-02T09:07:00.000-04:00

Ok so I lost all my links to the blogs I stalk. If you would like to be listed on my blog let me know.

I'm Back

2007-06-02T08:41:00.000-04:00

The IV blog thing is not that friendly to me. I have been slacking big time on blogging. 2 kiddo's can keep you pretty busy:-)

Some photo's to get you caught up on us. I have NOT checked anyone's blogs recently forgive me for NOT stalking.

I have moved my blog

2007-03-23T09:19:00.000-04:00

http://members.ivillage.com/cl-jpakajr

Happy 2nd Birthday Thomas

2007-03-09T08:59:00.000-05:00

Happy 2nd Birthday Thomas. You are forever in our hearts. You have changed my life for the better. Your Mommy and Daddy are in my thoughts today.

Nicole and Andrew

2007-01-13T20:22:00.000-05:00

Andrew is adjusting well to being a big brother:-)
Above is Nicole and below is Andrew the same age. LOL Spitting image of each other.

Yeah Yeah Yeah I know

2007-01-09T15:53:00.000-05:00

It has been a while. Here are some pictures. I am back at work now. Enough said:-) I will try to update more:-) Life is well......hectic. I do have a cute picture of my Dad and the kiddo's but I forgot to ask him if he minds his picture being up on blogger.

Happy New Year Everyone!

A Belated Merry Christmas.

What else.......OH Nicole is about 10 1/2 pounds at her last appointment:-) So she is gaining weight pretty good:-)

Who all still stalks my blog anyway?

Tis the Season

2006-12-17T22:18:00.000-05:00

Dec 8th pictures:-)

2006-12-12T11:09:00.000-05:00

First Smile caught on Camera:-)

2006-12-01T20:37:00.000-05:00

Just for Nina;-)

2006-11-29T11:06:00.000-05:00

You Nina yes you wanted pictures of the two of them:-) Fresh off the press;-)

The Hair Cut

2006-11-27T11:37:00.000-05:00

Sleeping Angel on her 1 month Birthday:-) Some of you may remember that my old sitter cut Andrew's hair without asking. Well it finally grew out so DH took him and got his hair cut yesterday. I begged him to tell the hair dresser to keep it on the longer side;-)
Not too bad.....Well this is with bed head;-) Thankfully it was not cut too short;-)

My Crazy 2 1/2 Year Old and some of Nicole:-)

2006-11-22T18:55:00.000-05:00

Sharing some pictures:-)

2006-11-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

She is here:-)

2006-11-06T10:06:00.000-05:00

Ok so I know I know it has been a while but finding the time right now is difficult;-)

Nicole Louise was Born on October 27th, 2006 at 8:18am.

Her wieght was 6 pounds 5 ounces

Length was 19 3/4 inches

She is tiny compared to my son who was 22 1/2 inches and 7 pounds 13 ounces.

I have been breast feeding........so far so good. We had our first weight check on Wed of last week and she was 6 pounds. So we came back on Friday.....she was 6 pounds. So now we have to go in today and hopefully she has gained some weight. She is healthy and doing very well:-)

The birth story......ahhhhhhh the birth story of a planned cesearean. If you are pregnant read no futher. This is vent about my birth experience.

The birth SUCKED. My spinal wore off. On my right side. I felt EVERYTHING. It was horrible. The epidoral worked better than the crap they gave me. The guy in charge of the spinal said oh she is just feeling pressure.....The nurse said "I disagree her BP is too high for just pressure." It was a mess. The rushed my Mom out of the room once Nicole was delivered and started the morphine. Morphine was not even blocking out the pain. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Well someone is hungry:-) BBL

Day before D Day 39 weeks;-)

2006-10-26T22:31:00.000-04:00

WOW I AM having a baby tomorrow morning. The alarm is set for 4:45am. Surgery starts at 7:45am.....................yikes I am freaking out! OHMYWORD. So here is the last of my belly shots;-)

37 weeks 4 days

2006-10-18T09:53:00.001-04:00

I can't really see a difference from last week. I think I am maxed out...LOL

36 weeks 3 days

2006-10-10T19:55:00.000-04:00

LOL almost done...........almost done;-)

My word.......35 weeks 3 days

2006-10-03T18:41:00.000-04:00

I think the pictures says it all.

34 weeks

2006-09-25T13:24:00.000-04:00

Some pictures to share. Mini Update It is official. We have a name:-) Nicole Louise She was weighing in at 4 lbs 9 ounces last Monday. As of right now my due date is 11/5. They will be attempting to schedule a cesarean between 10/20 and 11/3. The original date of Oct 27th is not available at this time. So if worse comes to worse they will let me go into labor and then perform a cesarean. If I find out anything else I will let you all know:-) Thanks, Jen

What a week:-) We have a NAME:-)

2006-09-23T21:19:00.000-04:00

Monday- Thankfully Kathi shows up. Then I have an u/s in the afternoon. Still a girl:-)

We finally have a name for our little girl. Nicole Louise:-) I am so happy.

I do have pictures and everything to upload for everyone. I will do that hopefully tomorrow.

Kathi did work the whole entire week and now only owes me 80.00 We will see if she pays me.

Offically 34 weeks as well:-) Time is flying by:-)

Update on Baby Sitter

2006-09-16T11:18:00.000-04:00

So DH bitched out on coming home today. So I had to handle Kathi.
I paid Kathi but only at half pay. So she now owes me 230.00 for the TV. She is going to work next week and give me the full week for 150.00 towards the TV. Then when her HB gets paid they will give me the rest of the money before the end of the month.

What it comes down to is this. I know that they are living paycheck to paycheck. Knowing that made me NOT take her full pay. I took a little less than hald her pay. So as long as she works the rest of next week she will only owe me 80.00 for the TV.
I did write everything down and we both signed and dated everything. She has a copy and I do too.
Surprisingly she did pretty well with it. I told her the truth that if DH would have came home she would not have gotten anything. She understood that I said business is business blah blah blah.
I really think she might be coming back next week. I think she would have been crying saying good bye to JR today.

She gave her 2 weeks Notice

2006-09-12T17:55:00.000-04:00

Self Centered Rant Warning
Ok I come home to find that Kathi left me a note giving me her 2 weeks notice. Her last day will be the 22nd. She owes me 300.00 for a TV. She took her vacation pay yesterday (150)
Then she turns around and give her 2 week notice. In this long note she wrote me she basically wants me to pay her this week and NOT pay her next week and apply 150.00 towards her 300.00 debt.
I am PISSED.
#1. She should work for free the next two weeks
#2. She is burning me BIG TIME. So 5 weeks to introduce Andrew to a new daycare center? Pay 125.00 to enroll him……I can't do this to him.
I am just so f-ing pissed right now. I could just scream. Dh wants to call her and tell her to go and f-ck herself.
Someone please send some calming vibes my way. 7 weeks until my maternity leave. My Mom is in FLORIDA. I am making phone calls like a mad women looking for someone to watch JR starting the 25th and to only watch him for 5 weeks..........I am so stressed right now.
#*&^!%#%$#&*$($&*()
Jen who is crying pissed off hormal beotch right now

32 weeks on Vacation

2006-09-09T12:09:00.000-04:00

Can I just tell you I really really really love being near the ocean? The sound of the waves all around you. The sand beneath my toes.

Andrew has been having the best time this year. The beach is one HUGE sandbox. He laughs at the waves and digs holes. No a care in the world while on the beach. Peaceful and tranquil:-)

Lou Lou

2006-08-30T20:01:00.000-04:00

When I was 16-17 years of age I worked at a flower shop. I loved working there. We were a very busy flower shop that would cram in 5 weddings on a Saturday. It was crazy during the summer times. We hired a lady named Lou Lou. She was a hoot. She was recently divorced and needed something to occupy her time. I never made the connection that I "knew" her until her son came to go out to lunch with her.

OHMYWORD it was Travis. My heart is throbbing. I had the biggest crush on him. He had just graduated from my highschool. He had the best evil grin and the most contagious laugh. He was joker. He was a couple of years older than me.

So it turned out that I knew Travis BUT I knew him on a totally different level. From his Mother's point of view. I knew about the heart ache she was feeling for divorcing his Dad. I knew about the crazy partying staying out all night. The drug addiction she thought he had. Everything but from a Mother's point of view. I was her sounding board. She would tell me all her frustrations in hopes that I would understand what I was putting my parents through.

I admired Lou Lou's strength. For being a single Mother of 2 boys. Going through a divorce.

Fastforward.........I did turn into the party queen. I did my fair share of drugs. I did worry my parents to dealt. I regret that all now. BUT at least I made it out alive. I was able to put the pieces of my life back together and move on away from the partying. I stopped hanging out with everyone that stayed out all night. I met my HB. I tell people all the time if Dh and I would have met a couple of years prior we would have been dragging each other down. We met each other at the perfect time to pull each other up and away from all the drama. I am so grateful and happy that DH and I made it out ALIVE.

This past Sunday I went to Walmart. I bumped into Lou Lou. We both nearly started crying as we hugged each other like long lost friends. She looked great. She told me she is sober now. She said that she had started drinking to deal with all her problems. She looked at my son and told me he was beautiful asked when I was due. Then I asked her the question. I think I knew before I even asked. I think I saw the pain in her eyes. I asked about Travis.

Travis overdosed at my house almost 2 years ago.

My heart sank. Here is a mother who tried her hardest to save her son and could not. My heart goes out to her. I can't stop thinking about her. Her youngest is currently on a slow wean methodone treatment. I pray that he stays clean. I pray that he makes it out ALIVE.

I wish I could lift the weight off her shoulders.

30 weeks........Getting closer......

2006-08-26T16:23:00.000-04:00

30 week Belly Shot

We had quite the busy day today. We went to community day up the street from my house. Jr talked to the firefighters and had popcorn for the first time today. He behaved himself very well.

Then we came home hung out for a little while and Mom got hungry again....LOL. This time we went to a deli and had some lunch. Mom wanted to see how far away the Straslburgh Railroad Station really was since Thomas visits there in the fall. Not too far surprisingly only about a 20 min ride.

Well we did have to stop and wait for the Amish to catch a horse that was running down the road. Andrew was hysterical laughing about the horse. We did not actually ride the trains today but we did watch them come and go. He had so much fun. We had fresh squeezed lemonade for 2.00 and watched the trains. Money well spent today:-)

I called Dad and told him we have to come back up here with JR. Whether or not we actually ride the train the steam engines are loud and noisy.

Another belly shot from today. This time I held up a balloon to show you a comparison. And I have 8 weeks left. I am starting to get sore here and there. The more active I am the better off I feel.

One tired little boy who some how still manages to keep a smile on his face. He fell asleep for all of 30 mins in the car. Look how puffy his eyes are.

And the devilish grin.

Enjoy!

Father and Son Bond

2006-08-15T08:56:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjPrL3n63yg
Grab your tissues. Life IS what you make of it.

28 Weeks:-)

2006-08-12T08:09:00.000-04:00

Ok so 28 weeks down. Technically I could have this little girl in 10 weeks..........HOLY CRAP........Crazy.......DS is really coming into his own recently.....LOL He has got quite the personality. He has been awarded extra responsibility on the sidewalk.....sounds silly BUT since he has been listening so well I let him go down a couple of extra car lengths before he has to turn around and come back to me. My neighbors kids are older so they are aloud to run a little further. I drew a new line on the sidewalk w/ chalk last night for him:-) He was tickled pink. He would take the push toy and turn around at the line.(without me yelling "Turn Around") Once he was facing me he would yell at the other children to tell them they had to turn around.....LOL

Hot off the press some new pictures:-)

Happy 1st Birthday Ryan.

2006-08-09T09:08:00.000-04:00

Wishing you a Happy 1st Birthday Ryan. Sending you kisses to heaven.

((((((((HUGS)))))))) You are all in my thoughts.

Ryan was here ...

2006-08-08T07:36:00.000-04:00

Ryan was here ...

Ryan was here........Sherry and Mike you are in my thoughts and prayers right now.
Words can not express how I am feeling right now and I can not find the way to write them. Ryan will always be here with Thomas to watch over all of our children. Both of them have touched our hearts in more ways than I can count.

The Chronicles of Narmya

2006-08-07T15:38:00.000-04:00

The Chronicles of Narmya

Very neat Blog I fell upon today........

http://www.toadsbunker.com/911.htm

Wow to the video above..........takes a little while to load but a reminder.

No Nap but still ticking.....

2006-08-05T19:26:00.000-04:00

So I went to my GF's today for a play date. She has two beautiful little girls. I am surprised b/c I think JR did pretty well with them. He was a little rough here and there but reminders kept him in play. She lent me some summer maternity outfits YAY:-)

JR was swimming with the girls and he had such a good time. On the way home we drove by the Tractor Place...........(I think it is John Deere store) He was so flocking happy he was squealing so I slowed down and let him look a while.....LOL....Oh cool man tractors....LOL

We came home and I was soooooooo tired so I put in Chicken Little and laid down on the couch. JR was nice enough to sit on the couch the whole time and rub my head....LOL. I was kinda hoping he would fall asleep BUT NO NOT MY KID.......he hung on for dear life.

I even felt brave and took my NO NAP two year old out to Arbie's for my rueben....:-)

Needless to say he is in bed now. He had a MMD........(major melt down) and I took him upstairs.............read a book and he is out like a light:-)

Lets just hope he stays asleep tonight:-)

On another note I just had a phone call from one of Big Jr's friends who races RC Cars with him. I have never met this particular person IRL but he lives in NJ and wanted me to tell Andy he would not be at the track tomorrow. His pipes burst in his house...........I feel so bad for him......hopefully he can fix everything and he has not had too much damage.

Rambling away.....................BBL

Kicking Kicking Kickin

2006-08-04T15:41:00.000-04:00

LOL she is kicking like crazy. Hard to believe that in no time I will have another child:-) I am so grateful for my family. Kathi called to tell me that Andrew ran into the bathroom took off his diaper and got up on the toilet and PP and BMed:-) YAY YAY YAY.........He is such a big boy.

Andrew also has felt the baby move. He will give my belly kisses and hugs. The other day Baby girl kicked while his head was on my belly.....He looked up at me and shook his finger...NO KICK.......NOT NICE............ROFLMAO.

Time is NOT standing still it is blowing by......

Before I know it I will be on vacation in the Outerbanks:-)
Before I know it I will be holding my Baby Girl in my arms.
Before I know it my girl friend will be on a plane to meet her new child.
Before I know it I will be on a plane to Florida to see my parents:-)

This month is bitter sweet for me. I can't help but worry about some VF's from my board. A lot of heart ache. My thoughts and prayers are with them during this difficult time.

I wish I knew what to say to help ease the pain. I wish I knew...............But all I can do is sit here and think about you Sherry. Many Many ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) coming your way.

26 weeks:-) Time is Flying

2006-07-29T17:10:00.000-04:00

Time is moving pretty quick for me. I am offically 26 weeks today:-) I think I see a difference from just 2 weeks ago. JR is handsome as ever......LOL....even with his fake evil grin:-)
Enjoy:-)

Can you tell he got a hair cute......LOL.....not that I wanted him to at all.....someone took it upon themselves to cut his hair....grrrrrrrr

24 Weeks:-)

2006-07-15T08:45:00.000-04:00

So today I am officially 24 weeks into this pregnancy! Time flys. I also have a renewed sense of motherhood going on. I feel proud of myself for being a good Mommy. It is not everyday that you wake up feeling good about your son and the way he is behaving:-) This morning he IS being soooooooooooo good. Smiling and having a good time:-)

So I bet you all want to see some belly shots:-) And a recent shot of my little devil:-)

The C Word

2006-07-10T10:43:00.000-04:00

Andy my husband lost his mother to cancer when he was 18. She battled the disease for a long time before it finally took her life. I never got to meet her but I am sure she would have been a wonderful grandmother/MIL to me and our family.

That being said we never talk about it........I feel like it is a wound that is still very fresh and painful. Andy's boss just got diagnosed w/ breast cancer today. That scab has been ripped off the wound. I can hear it in his voice. I am so scared for M. and we are not quite sure of the next step towards fighting this. She did have a lump removed last week but they could not get it all...........The were leaning towards cancer then.........I hope and pray she will beat this.

22 week Belly Shot

2006-07-10T10:41:00.000-04:00

Sheesh it has been a while since I have posted...........here is a very late 22 week belly shot........;-) Saturday will be 24 weeks............so remind me to post another one.

20 Week Belly Shot

2006-06-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

Some likes to take after his father and hog the bathroom just so he can read Daddy's Mags.......He will go occasionally....LOL

YAY I am offically half-baked:-)

And I have the pictures to prove it;-)

I made a montage for Andy Sr

2006-06-11T11:01:00.000-04:00

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=8e2f5b551105bbc70cc34&skin_id=0&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=email

For Father's Day:-) What do you think?

2006-06-10T08:51:00.000-04:00

So it has been a while since I have posted.......I have had a very good week.

Monday I found out I am having a little girl. Then I found out I am Co-Cl of TTC Grads:-) YAY. I am so happy and honored to be a part of the board. The ladies are a wonderful bunch of ladies and we all bring something special to our board to make it what it is today.

I was going through my yahoo account and found this email that I was mailing out. We were all asking for our own pregnancy board.....And after a long time asking we got our board:-) I was 20 weeks pregnant w/ JR and I was sending this email out the end of Nov 2003....Crazy....1 that yahoo never got rid of it.....2 that I am almost 20 weeks and now I am Co-Cl....of the TTC Grad board:-)

I just wanted to let you know that we came up with a temporary solution to the TTC Grad Board. I am already 20 weeks now and I have been nagging IVILLAGE to start a Grad board for us. So at the rate that they are moving it looks like it might not be up and running until after I have the baby. So here is a link to a board that we can all post on :

I am not bad mouthing anyone I just wish that they could have taken our request to heart and understood where we are coming from. I hope to see some of you posting soon:-)

Or at least email me and say hello. I will still stop in on Village but I really wanted to be able to post to the grads on a daily basis.

(((((HUGS)))))) and hope to see you over there!

Also if you go and read the posts we also just approved for a TTC Grad Board at Parents Perspective;-)

Jen and Baby Rhodes
I deleted the link to the temporary board we had set up b/c it does NOT exsist anymore........BUT MEMORIES of US as a board......as a group of women fighting for what we want....It just makes me so proud of US.

JR is currently trying to call Pop Pop on Speed dial so I best be going..........Post a comment if you remember the email.....

Love and hugs girls:-)

My little GIRL.

2006-06-05T16:11:00.000-04:00

Legs Crossed just like a lady;-)
Facial Shot

Bringing her hand to mouth :-) I am excited. I know I am not the biggest girlie girl BUT.....I will start practicing make up now....LOL

Yes I counted the toes. I am so happy:-) I was a little silly and moved some photos on my photobucket

Today is the Day:-)

2006-06-05T07:49:00.000-04:00

So I go for my u/s at 2:30 est:-) YAY praying for a healthy baby:-) I must admit part of me does not want to know the sex. I am so torn. I have to have another cesearen so I know the birthday. Where is the surprise in all this?

Yes the birthday is really exciting. Not knowing when I was going to go into labor.............VERY exciting....I am sort of feeling jipped that no element of surprise right now.

Well today is very exciting.........DH,DS and my Mom are coming:-)

The party went well. Really fun. You see most of the people were my neighbors forever. Once you move to Biddle Road you never leave. Everyone who came to the party brought pictures of all of us as children....LOL....My parents lived their for 29 years. I moved out when I was 19. They had block parties every year where they would vote for the Mayor of Biddle Road.....My Dad was Mayor a couple of times.....LOL

When someone had a baby you had food for months. If someone lost a relative they would clean your house and stock your fridge. What a wonderful neighborhod.

At least I know I can visit the street and always know someone:-)

Taste Buds

2006-06-04T08:30:00.000-04:00

So I bit into something a little hot the other day.....Well yesterday I lone taste bud has decided to hurt.....I little taste bud is swollen and sore.....It f-ing hurts....It really hurts....I can't imagine burning more than one.....YIKES....

I hope my one little taste bud feels better soon....;-)

My Little Bruiser and a 18 week Belly Shot

2006-06-03T17:24:00.000-04:00

I have not really been in the mood to "talk".......They postponed my parents going away party until tomorrow due to the rain.(which it is NOT raining)

Presents for ME:-)

2006-05-24T07:38:00.000-04:00

I am so excited today I get my pamperer me pregnant presents......:-) Acutally that was the name of the store that I would some day love to open.

I ordered a bunch of stuff from H2O and everything is getting delivered today:-) YAY. I treated myself to something:-) DH and I spilt the tax return this year. So I had 500.00 to do with what I wanted. Well most of that was spent on DS. I bought him a new bed set for his new bed. I also bought him a CD player and a CD of relaxing sounds.

I always feel guilty spending money on myself. I am the type of person that rather give/ treat people to stuff then to spend it on myself........I don't know I should NOT feel guilty but I do.

So CT my "buddy" owes me a cut and foil. I do not find this pampering at her house in her basement. She has been doing my hair for a little over a year now. Spending three hours being a therapist........well is TORTURE.........I have been a hermet and avoing her. Do you think it is that big of a deal if I just go to a salon and get my hair done? We are talking 2-3 inch roots that thankfully are hard to tell w/ all the grey......

I think I might just give her a heads up that DH bought me a gift cert???? Tell a white lie and say lets call it even. I think she feels like she owes me she bartered with me and I ordered Christmas Presents off the web for her and she spent too much money......But I was in the mood to "help" her out. I wanted her children to have a nice Christmas KWIM?

Soooo should I just do it???? I really want to.......

Ahhh an answer

2006-05-23T07:31:00.000-04:00

Most of the time when I have a problem, I like to think about it for a day. I rather not answer right away and keep my emotions from getting in the way of the right thing to do.

So I thought and I thought. I decided to put myself in Kathi's shoes and see the monetary value in watching 5 children.

So I called Kathi after work. I told her that unfortunately I could not have 5 children in my house. You have to be a licensed daycare facility in my township to have 4 or more children. We have had a daycare closed in my neighborhood a couple of years ago. I also said that my goal was for Andrew to have a smaller "teacher" to child ratio.

Then I went on to say that if SHE had the opportunity to have 4 children at one home that I would want her to consider it. That it would be unfair of me to hold her back from such a wonderful "job". That I would want her to take it.

Kathi's Answer..............

Jen I feel like I have a calling to work with you and Andrew. I already know Andrew. I have met you and DH. I have seen your house and neighborhood. I want to work with someone like you. This is NOT about the money this is about the children.

I was FLOORED.............I felt like I did the right thing but giving her the chance to back out.

YAY.........Stress relief:-) She still is starting on Tuesday:-)

She wants to have 3 other children at my home.

2006-05-22T07:24:00.000-04:00

Kathi called yesterday. She starts Tuesday of next week. She met a lady at Walmart with 3 children that lives right around the corner from me.

So she wants to watch them at my house during the summer.

1 Andrew
3 children. 3,6,9
Her 5 year old

I can't do this. I wanted Andrew to have more attention. I am NOT a licensed daycare. I can't have 5 children running around in my house. I can't. One child MAYBE....I asked DH for shits and giggle about having 1 extra children he said absolutey NOT.

So am I going to lose the Nanny or what? I am going to tell her tonight.......I know the other family currently has their children in Kids First. So you know that is going to cost a pretty penny for a weeks worth of daycare. I know they could give her triple what I am offering................

Ok Jen calm down..........you just have to go with the flow.....see what happens....I don't need this right now. JR's last day of Daycare at a overbooked Daycare is Thursday......Maybe he is not supposed to be at this daycare. Maybe I need to switch centers....Maybe that is what God is telling me.....

Maybe Kathi will want to stay with me......?????????????? I don't know what to do......I have to tell her tonight....

Dreams

2006-05-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

I had some crazy dreams last night........Me being held hostage and then I killed my attackers outside my house.....One of them went looking for me in my house but I was hiding outside under a car.........I waiting for him to come out and I shot him.....No blood pretty strange.

Then I woke up......to strange noises coming through the baby monitor........I got freaked out and ran to JR's room.....New bed? Was he stuck?
He was fine in the center of the bed out like a light. I get back to our room and I hear the same strange noise........Turns out we were picking up someone else's baby on the monitor.....LOL....I do live in a town house development...Still scared the crap out of me....

So I have attemped to add all the blogs I stalk to my home page........If I am missing yours let me know.............:-)

TTYL

16 Week Belly Shot:-)

2006-05-20T11:50:00.000-04:00

I can not believe the difference in just two weeks.......LOL......I love my belly........and the happy hormones are starting to hit:-) Well I am happy most of the time.......Sometimes I am a real beoch but I am trying to be good:-)

It helps if I post the right belly shot the first time around huh? I am starting to add all the blogs I frequent......Is there an easier way than to edit the template and add it? Just curious:-)

The Race Car Bed

2006-05-20T11:47:00.000-04:00

Sooooooooooooo Dh went to pick up the bed today.........JR was estatic when he saw it.......
"Oh Cool"
"Man dats Cool"
"Car my Car"
This kid did not know what to do with himself.......LOL........Too happy.....Now lets just see how this nap will go in the car.....:-)

The Headache

2006-05-19T10:08:00.000-04:00

I have a headache..........I am drinking caffine to try to keep the headache at bay.

Yesterday was a good day:-) I heard the H/B:-) 160 and strong.......Gained 6 pounds YIKES....
I am starting to feel this little one flip and roll around......I am so happy that I am feeling movement......It is reassuring that everything is going to be ok.

June 5th at 2:30 is the big u/s:-) My gut feeling is still telling me girl..........But that still scares the crap out of me.....I am in no way a girlie girl.....I do not wear make up.....I don't know how....I think I need to learn at some point since age is starting to show on my face.

Tomorrow we will be getting Andrew's Race Car Bed:-) I will also be sharing a belly shot:-)

2006-05-17T13:06:00.000-04:00

I feel like soooooooo much is going on. Work is busy. Home is busy.

I have been thinking a lot about Shannon today. I hope you are ok. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I have also been thinking about N. and all that you are about to embark. I know my gut feeling has been that we are meant to be pregnant again together.......Maybe this means if you adopt that I am meant to be pregnant with the birth mother.......She is probably pregnant right now.......And more than likely you will be adopting in about a year by my calculations...maybe sooner than that....I think it is going to be so cool have children around the same age together with N. Her son and my son are a couple of months apart:-) TWINS GIRL. TWINS.....:-)

Tomorrow I have my doctor's appointment.....to check on this little one....Who is moving around a bit more everyday:-) I believe that I will get my slip for my GB test and maybe the slip for the u/s:-) My gut feeling is still girl>:) DH wants to name a BOY Andrew......WTF? Your name is Andrew.............Ds's name is Andrew........NO NO NO............besides I do not think we will have to worry about that.

DS is acting funny......I can't put my finger on it but something is up. I did call the ENT to see if they want to see him....Not 100% but it could be teething.........Or it could be his ears are bothering him again......hum.......

Saturday I am going to share another belly shot:-) 16 weeks:-)

One Month from now:

I will be half baked:-)
Hopefully I will know the sex of this baby:-)
DS will be out of daycare and I will have a Nanny watching him full time:-)
My parents will be moving to Florida:(

So I guess the good out weights the bad right now:-)

YIKES I just clicked to temporary allow pop ups so I could spell check and it got rid of my whole post.....................phewwwwwwww I did not have to rewrite it b/c of the nifty recover post function above:-)

Oh Erin thank you for your help with getting rid of Ad Sense:-)

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T07:54:00.000-04:00

Kristin and Sherry you are both in my thoughts today! You are mothers and I wanted to send a special Mother's Day Wish your way! I am wishing this is your cycle and that BOTH of you have a Happy and Healthy Pregnancy.

Both of your family's are in my thoughts today. Thomas and Ryan have forever changed my life for the better. Sending you strength vibes and tons of gentle hugs and warm thoughts.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) and kisses to heaven for your little boys!

Much love,

Jen

I guess the link would help:-)

2006-05-11T10:39:00.000-04:00

Once upon a family:-)

www.onceuponafamily.com/wish

Once Upon a Family

2006-05-11T10:32:00.000-04:00

So my GF has started this business on the side. I really LOVE their stuff......I am going to place an order here soon. The quaility and the prices seem reasonable as well...........So check out her site and see if you like the stuff:-) I told her I would post a link to her site on my blog. So if you do happen to order something let her know where you found it:-) Or just say JP sent ya over:-)
Saturday I might have to take another belly picture for you all.........:-) I feel like I am popping........
OH Kathi the nanny is a GO............:-) DH liked her and he is calling daycare today to give our notice:-)
Stay tuned for more ramblings from Jen:-)

www.onceuponafamily.com/wish

Pass the Potatoe

2006-05-10T21:36:00.000-04:00

Help get my potato to all 50 states!
- on -
PassThePotato.com!

14 weeks.

2006-05-07T07:36:00.001-04:00

Not too much of a difference..........Starting to feel more and more movement. YAY.............It is really starting to sink in that the parents are leaving...........I am so scared..
Can I handle this w/ out them? If I was having a hard weekend I would call and go over.....My Dad would take JR and wear him out. I guess I should be grateful that they have been around so long. Local.........I think my mom thinks I will be able to Florida ALL THE TIME..........I can't afford it....500.00 for me and JR. I *might* be able to save that up over a couple of months. The gas prices are not helping. The gas alone is taking 60 dollars extra month now.....NOT FAIR.......So I am assuming at some point the high price of gas is going to trickle over to the airline tickets.......

Then DH and I had another blow out. He fails to understand that his RC CAR is his WHORE. He gets to go out and spend alone time with his hobby at least once per weekend. So my one day off on the weekend is spent watching JR and helping DH with misc crap around the house...NOT MY IDEAL OF FUCKING FUN....I am exausted we are having another baby.

The breakdown:

I work full time and DH works full time. This is a basic work DAY for me.

Get up make Lunch for JR.
Take JR to daycare 35 mins.
Drive to work 20mins.
Work from 8:40-4:40
Drive back to Daycare
Drive home
Get the mail
Walk in the door about 5:45
Start dinner.
Feed them dinner
Get JR in bed
MY FREE TIME

DH puts waffles in the toaster
Drive to work
Drives Home
Eats the dinner I made him....most of the time
Hangs out.

I am in charge of food including supermarket trips. I am in charge of JR. Getting up in the middle of the night. Primary Care giver.

DH is in charge of cleaning and laundry. Some how the laundry entails folding the clothes and NOT putting them away. His cleaning consists of waiting until the weekend to do it. Then bitches the whole time about ME doing NOTHING.....I have aske him numerous amounts of time to just clean while I cook.....Instead of sitting on your ass doing NOTHING.....
I am so FUCKING JADED right not. He blew up on me this weekend. Because he wanted me to clean out JR's draw b/c I refused to put his laundry away. We went for a walk in the morning with JR. Came home it was 10:40 and said Come one lets go. I said I want to eat in 20 mins.
So after 20 mins I come downstairs. Make JR lunch and DH is flipping out. Bulk trash day is on Monday and Sunday he will NOT be here b/c he is RACING. Why on earth did this have to be done on his time is beyond me. Oh thats right maybe b/c he had friends coming over in the afternoon to buy RC CAR parts.
Duh............I forgot the world revolves around DH and his WHORE.
So then after all his friends left and JR was in bed he tried to apologize.....for yelling at me. I just ignored him b/c this isn't about him yelling at me. This is about his way of telling me I DO NOTHING around this house. That he has been cleaning up after my ass for 6 years........FUCK YOU.......take your FUCKING DISH and put it in the dishwasher. PUT THE PHONEBOOK AWAY after you use it. The Buttery Toffee Popcorn is still on the table next to the laptop.
OPEN YOU EYES and stop being so one sided.

I know this will blow over. I am half tempted to share this blog with him. Maybe I should because he tunes me out when I talk to him. I love him soooooo much but he can be such a prick and so selfish. I never go out and leave him home w/ Jr. Maybe I should. Maybe every single time he does not race I should go out by myself. But then I WANT the family time. I want to have all of us together being a family. I cherish those moments.

Thanks for listening to me rant......

How do I get rid of ad sense?

2006-05-07T07:36:00.000-04:00

Anyone know......it is really annoying me.....

Things that go thump in the middle of the night

2006-04-30T19:21:00.000-04:00

YES you heard the thump.........still out like a light on the floor....

So we transitioned Jr. to an almost toddler bed......Only one side of the crib is open now but it has little sides and one small little opening.......just big enough for him to fall out of.....LOL

Excuse the messy room....Someone likes to trash his room before falling asleep.....grrrrrrrrrrr

12 week Belly and Flowers

2006-04-22T19:06:00.000-04:00

Jen's Little Journal

12 week belly shot......Ask Jr where the baby is he points to my belly:-) The scary thing is at my appointment we did not find a h/b.......I am feeling flutters.....so trying not to stress.

the beautiful arrangement my HB sent me for our Anniversary! Yes we fight but he always finds a way to make up for it.....I love you honey:-)

Jen's Little Journal

2006-04-22T18:53:00.000-04:00

Jen's Little Journal

4 years.........we survived 4 years of marrage:-)

My Mom is moving............

2006-04-08T11:27:00.000-04:00

Shit...........this so sucks......It is sinking in..........I just want to cry.....My Mom my IRL BF is moving from PA to Florida.............

Their house did not even go on the market the next store neighbor made an offer today so they can turn it into a single home............FUCK.

The "pink" house that I grew up in spent 23 years in that house...........My parents finally painted it a couple of years ago off white..........I loved that HOUSE.........

I don't want her to go I am scared........I think this is going to crush me.......I just want to hide and cry now..........I wish I could move to FL with her.............I hate the winter Mom.......and I love you too.............

The Big 30

2006-04-08T08:36:00.000-04:00

So the past week has been a blurrrrrrrrrrrr..........I am so sick of work.....I wish I could just quit and be a SAHM now.....But what health insurance company would give a pregnant women insurance....so that is out of the question...

Things have gotten better with DH and I. We had a talk and I told him how upset I was. I vented and reamed him out. He hugged me and said he was sorry and ya know what .......HE meant it.......LOL

DH's 30th Birthday is on Monday..........Andrew and I are going to make something for him. I have not figured out what yet but a trip to Walmart will yield some ideals.....

I feel like I should have planned something special for him but he has been on my shit list.......part of me thinks it is b/c he is dreading his 30th birthday.....LOL....At least I have some time before I turn 30.

This pregnancy is SO different than my last one.....Crazy Crazy hot steamy dreams......LOL........Fine by me.......LOL....much better than the drought we went threw with Andrew's pregnancy.

Now my problem lies in avoiding my neighbor. I have managed to not allow her in my house for almost 6 weeks now. Thursday she came over and I refused to answer the door so DH did. I was making dinner. She still invited herself in briefly and I told her we were sitting down as a family and eating dinner.......Thankfully she left.

Yesterday she cornered me outside when I got home from work......I had 2 jackets,a bag of sippy cups, a sleeping bag, and a diaper bag......I was trying to get inside......She stopped me......I had my freaking hands full WOMEN.......I have a life......go get your own.......She was touching my belly .............I am only 10 weeks pregnant so having some women rub your belly that is practically non existent SUCKS........I was trying not to cringe but I could not protect myself since I had MY HANDS FULL..................I finally said T. I have to go inside and feed my family it is almost 6pm and I am hungry.

She told me that she wanted me to come over..............she had something she wanted to tell me..........well I avoided that like the plaque........and said "T. I go to bed at 8pm I am tired" little white lie...........I have caller id now and a peep hole in my door......So leave me alone.

No it did not stop there...............She called my house at 8:30 and left a message that she just got back from Walmart and wanted a cup of sugar..................Then phone rings again at 9pm.........."Hi Jen its T. I see your light is on outside soooooooooooooooo are you awake? Come over I need to talk to you........What time is it anyway............it is only 9pm......Why are you not picking up the phone? Call me"

You would think that she did not call 30 mins prior.............WTF? Am I the crazy one or is she? So I told DH that if she busted him outside smoking a ciggy that he should explain to her that we turn off the ringers in our house b/c I need my sleep.....

Oh I did want to call the women at 3am when I had to pee but knowing my luck she would have been up..............But I just wanted to call to wake her up and say leave me alone..........

Today it is raining outside sooooooooooo that means if I let my guard down she will come over and stay ALL FUCKING DAY and not get the hint and NOT leave when I ask her too......

Once I figure out what we are making DH for his birthday.........I am running to Walmart...........picking up lunch locking my doors and hiding.....If it was sunny out I would let her talk to me outside and make some lame excuse to go in.............

At least my hormonal anger is directed at her this week and not my Dh.............LOL

Am I a single mother or what?

2006-04-02T10:26:00.000-04:00

Ok be forewarned by my life seems sooooo ugly right now.....

DH and I have not been getting along too well recently.....lack of sex and hormones.....yea....I guess you could say that is what my problem is.....

Thursday night I am spotting......I tell my HB he does NOT say a word....NO I'M SORRY NO NOTHING.....So I call my mom and I tell her....while I am on the phone with her telling her everything....Dh yells...."SHUT UP I am eating..." Can he be anymore unsupportive.....I can sit here and make excuses that maybe just maybe it is b/c we did have a loss at 12 weeks that winded up in a D&C....maybe this is his fear kicking in.....So I get off the phone w/ my mom and I go to bed.....

Friday Morning.....we have the big meeting with Daycare......What a crock of shit this is....the meeting is for DH b/c I already know how my son is.....So I am trying to talk to DH and he is being an asshole....So I said "WHAT you can't even ask how I am feeling?????? If the spotting has stopped?........".......He storms out of the house and informs me that "I am going to work go to the meeting yourself....bitch"..............So I am in tears......loading everything into the car.....getting ready and just praying that he did not completely bail on me.....He couldn't he would be there b/c he loves me and he wants to support ME during this difficult time....WRONG.....NO SUCH FUCKING LUCK........HE DID NOT SHOW........So I made some lame as excuse that something came up at his work the took precedence over this meeting about OUR son and the lack of empathy.........Shit look at DH that is where JR gets his lack of empathy........

So after the meeting at daycare I call my doctor and he tells me that I am probably fine but it sounds like I need reassurance so go head over to the ER and get checked out......So I call DH......he answers the phone WHAT?....I tell him I am heading to the hospital to get checked out......He did NOT wish me luck he did not say anything he just said OK.....Yeah I really feel loved.....

After about 4 hours at the hospital we see the h/b baby is looking good. Blah Blah Blah my mom makes some lame excuse that Andy has probably been calling her cell phone trying to find out what is going on.....NOTHING....he did not even call.....yeah I am feeling smaller and smaller....I the lame ass that I am call him and tell him that everything is ok.....

Friday I pick JR up from daycare and I go home.....Andy is their....he did not ask how I was feeling NOTHING.............I just told him everything....then he acted surprised that I was at the hospital for soooooooo long.......I guess he felt bad....Did he hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok? NO.....

Saturday I put on a happy face and start getting ready for JR's 2nd Birthday Party.......went to work for an hour....I call him and ask him when he is coming home and I ask him to clean the b-room for me etc......The party went off without a hitch everything worked out the food was good.....DH even got to leave and go race his RC CARS while JR napped.....Once JR got up from nap we drove down to Kennett and watched Daddy race and we even went to dinner for some taco bell....We get home I get JR ready for bed............DH actually calls me to see if it is ok for him to go and race in West Chester....."are you mad if I go?" NO GO..........I am mad that you do not care about everything else that is going on........

So I asked to talk to him this morning..........He is too busy to talk but did say he acted like a jerk......and he still loves me.....Ok...but what about how I feel..........??????

How about I feel like YOU DO NOT CARE ONE BIT...........That you are taking the easy way out and thinking that I will forgive you for not caring........I feel like our marriage is falling apart b/c all you ever talk about it is YOUR RC CARS and whether or not we can have sex........I feel like everyday I cook you dinner and it is painful for you to sit down with us and eat..I feel like we have not had a decent conversation in MONTHS...........

I really hope this is my hormones making this bad.........I love this man with all my heart and this hurts.......bad real bad.............I just want him to care........

Do you smell that?

2006-03-27T07:51:00.000-05:00

I am so sick of the morning sickness I am having.......My doctor is running blood tests this week just to be sure that everything is normal....I have lost weight instead of gaining.
So many things turn my stomach this pregnancy.......The worst thing is my DS diapers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkk so gross...........

So I am sitting here typing while I smell the mother of all craps......It smells like diarrhea......Just my luck if it is.........He was out of school last week for 220.00 flushed.....I am going to be pissed if he gets kicked out for diarrhea this week..........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I think I know what it is like to piss money......and flush.

I am a Benevolent Inventor:-)

2006-03-25T07:39:00.000-05:00

My Personal Dna Report
You are a Benevolent Inventor.
About You
You are an Inventor

Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.

You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.

The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.

Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.

Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps.

Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects.

It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine.

Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics.

You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

If you want to be different:

Try applying your creativity to more artistic arenas, and letting your imagination take less practical forms.

How You Relate to Others
You are Benevolent

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.

You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:

You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!

Sometimes you can get overcommitted, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

http://www.personaldna.com/

Pretty cool quiz I took............really hits the nail on the head.....What are YOU?

No more TV and love you Pop Pop

2006-03-18T10:16:00.000-05:00

So I have been extremely tired with this pregnancy and letting JR watch a little too much TV so this past week he has only been aloud to watch 10 mins of TV a night.....well that was fine during the week.......On a Saturday when I am so tired I am so tempted to turn on the TV and veg out...........but NO MORE TV not for JR. at least....

So my Aunt P. sent me a obituary in the mail for my Pop Pop....laminated and all...kinda sad..but nice to say the least.

The poem on the "bookmark":

"When I must leave you"

When I must leave you for a little while
Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow through out the years
But start out bravely with a gallant smile:
And for my sake and in my name live on and do all things
the same, feed not your loneliness on empty days,
But fill each waking hour in useful ways,
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near:
And never, never be afraid to die.
For I am waiting for you in the sky.

I have a problem w/ this poem b/c I am afraid to die......I love being ALIVE.....I mean to be a mother and be pregnant.....how can you experience this if you are a spirit????? Does it hit you later in life that it is ok to die? So many unknown answers....Sheesh I can not help but want to fight for life.....NOT to die....death is a scary thing to me.......Which brings me back to the fear of losing a child......I have lived that fear vicariously through 2 different women reading their blogs feeling their pain.........yet I can not even fathom that ideal to the fullest. It scares me. I think that I rather die than ever lose a child. I do not think that I would have the strength to live.....I would probably die of a broken heart. Some how some way these women live each day........they carry on w/ a strength that I never thought imaginable.....I am in awe at their accomplishments......I truly have a new found appreciation of life and telling people that I love them every time I talk to them b/c what if it is the last day that I talk to them. I know that too well when I lost my uncle.....Suicide.....there is someone who choose death over life and I will never understand that......never......

Gloomy Day

2006-03-12T08:26:00.000-05:00

So having DH gone all weekend is wearing me down......I went to bed at 9pm last night.....DH came home after I went to bed and then left before I got up. JR got up at 6:30 but was nice enough to be quite......boy is he on my last nerve already and it is only 8:30am......Is it nap time yet?

Everything he is doing is driving me crazy. I love my son so much but being a single Mom all weekend long just sucks especially when you have a HB......He is racing his RC Car in Horsham which is about 1 1/2 hours away.....I should get in the car and just drive but I am too tired too. I want to stay in bed and sleep sleep sleep. He really wanted me to come down w/ the baby but he does not get it.

Part of me is upset with him right now. JR is a spitting personality of DH......tell him he is wrong and he will find a way to be right. This whole thing w/ daycare has me up in the air. JR throws EVERYTHING......He kicks spits hits.....I mean this too shall pass right? This is just a phase? I sure hope so b/c DH thinks he can be a stay at home dad......He thinks he can handle two children.....I beg to differ right now....He can not even correct JR when he throw a remote at his head and hits him the forehead....He laughed about it.....How am I supposed to have control of my son if DH laughs and finds it funny.

I love DH soooooo much but I feel like we are raising a monster right now.....I feel that we are NOT on the same page. DH keeps on hiding behind the oh boys will be boys.....Well when DS throws a book at our daughters head will it be funny? Or will you shock the shit out of JR with your reaction.....? I want a loving little boy.

I want a little boy who loves his sister.....not one that is jealous of her b/c Daddy all of a sudden does not find everything funny. I hear stories of jealousy very dangerous jealousy.....

As a mother I feel paranoid all the time that I am doing something wrong.....That I am raising my child wrong....I can only hope that he picks up on the good positive things that his father has to offer....Instead of the ignorance that he show....

Yes for those of you lurking;-) I have this strong feeling I am having a little girl....I don't know why but I keep on reffering to her as a girl with out even thinking about it. A healthy baby comes first and a boy would be easier since I have all the clothes but......I am feeling girl.... Even my massage therapist told me to "Take care of your daughter".......We will see.....DH's boss thought I was pregnant before I even tested.....She told Andy I was pregnant and having a girl.....She said she is always right.....FIL says I am having a little girl....then again he said that last time.....I have not told DH yet but I want to name her Trinity Louise.....If it is a girl.

I hope Chicago is nice and Sunny for Nina today. Nina Happy Birthday to your mom and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I wish the nice weather would just stay

2006-03-11T19:06:00.000-05:00

Dh is racing all weekend long.....It is beautiful outside. JR and I went to my parents house in the morning......He cried the whole entire car ride there:( I think he has yet another ear infection. Poor guy.....I feel horrible....He got up from nap and cried cried cried.....he would not let me comfort him NOTHING.....So I gave him some tylenol......and we got in the car.

I had a craving for Chili's......;-) So we get to Chili's and I am standing in front waiting to be seated......hummm they are ignoring me.....Someone comes in and they seat them......Finally I say hello seat for me and the little one....They did not even apologize for ignoring me....I hope my son grows up to be better than that!

Dinner was good.....JR is feeling better. I am going to call the ENT tomorrow if he is still off and hopefully he will just call me in a script.......Tubes and Adenoids are coming out on the 21st.

I had tubes 3 different time growing up. The last surgery I had I was 12 and the reconstructed my right ear drum and put tubes in and removed my adenoids.....I remember spending the night in the hospital......My mom's friend sent me daffodils....I threw up non stop for 48 hours.....The doctor knew that I wanted to be home so he gave me anti nauseous medication and told my mom hurry and get her home call me if you need me......Anithesia has a strange reaction on me and my mom......it makes me nervous for JR......They do not hospitalize you now this is an outpatient surgery.....I have a bad feeling.....Or do I????? Or Should I? I mean no mother wants to see their son put under general.....If I back out of the adenoids they will use the gas for the 20 mins tube procedure......If I let them take the adenoids.....IV and general and he will be under up to an hour......Nerve racking just thinking about it.....And then to be hormonal on top of this all......

I can do this right? I will survive....Probably cry the whole entire time but hey he will be ok. If he does have a reaction they will transport him to the nearest hospital via ambulance....

March 21st.....The date could not be any further away with my nerves.......But could not be any closer for his poor ears......

In memory

2006-03-09T07:21:00.000-05:00

So the pregnancy insomina has hit me full force......I was up all night on and off. Mostly thinking of two ladies whose lives changes for ever this day last year.

Kristin lost her beautiful son Thomas shortly after birth.

Nina lost her mother today last year.

I can not help but mourn for both of these ladies today. I have been a sobbing mess this morning thinking about them both. Hopefully some of the pain I feel for them today will ease some of the pain they are feeling.

RIP and prayer going out to both of you ladies.

Ahhhhhhhhh Haaaaaaa

2006-03-04T08:51:00.000-05:00

So I was trying to figure out a way to do something in memory of my friends mom. She died a year ago on the 9th.....Sure enough I stalked her blog and found an organization that she donated to in memory of someone else loss. So I have had a tree planted in her mom's memory. I hope this brings some comfort to her. Strange how I feel soooooo connected to someone I have never met in person. She truly is one of my really good friends and I do not know what I would do with out her in my life....So I feel like I have accomplished something to show her that I care.

Its the Weekend

2006-03-04T08:13:00.000-05:00

Yeah it is Saturday Morning........DS is watching TV......I am writing a blog.....My goal is to run to Walmart and buy some goodies. First I would like to send a Thank you to a friend for helping me out.

My Pop Pop died last year before he was able to meet my son.......It chews me up inside and when I think about it I just want to cry. He lived in WV with his "wife" Doris. My grandmother died a long time ago. He did not get remarried but he was a husband to Doris. Doris was my other grandmother.....She is wonderful and very sweet. She was so worried we would all forget about her when he died. I have not forgotten you Doris.......

Soooooo my goal today is to buy some cards and mail some pictures out to Doris, Uncle Mike and Paula. I love them so much but I don't know if I can go back to WV.......It is just not the same without my Pop Pop........Pop Pop I miss you so much.....Sobbing writing a blog.....At least I can blame it on pregnancy hormones right?

Then I as feel good b/c I did a good deed last night. I went and made a donation in Thomas's honor. I do want his name to live forever for K. I want her to have another pregnancy and be blessed w/ a healthy child. I feel good that I did that but so sad that she is going through all of this. I wish I could give her the warm squishiest hug on the planet and just cry with her.......

Jen's Little Journal

2006-03-03T11:07:00.000-05:00

Wow I am pregnant

I took a HPT yesterday and I am onto my 3rd pregnancy. YEAH......I am so excited but a little apprehensive since I lost my first. Then part of me wants to know why I was choosen before some of my other ladies that I am cheering for. I am hoping my "twin" will have a succesful IVF come April..........I am really really hoping and praying.....I feel this......I feel that she is my pregnancy buddy we were with our sons...I hope my gut is right and she is going to join me.....I am sad that this is so much torture on her. How unfair is life? She deserves this. Listen God she really does. We have a very tough month coming up for my twin and a women who lost her son.....Her beloved son....Both of them lost someone on the same day. My heart goes out to them. Every single day I pray for them.
If you read this say a little prayer for both of these women. They DO deserve better. The cards they have been dealt seem soooooo harsh........Somebody shuffle that deck and deal them both some new cards.

$47,000

2006-02-25T07:31:00.000-05:00

Last night I was watching MSNBC's show on prisons.......Did you know it costs about 47,000.00 a year to keep an inmate in prison in NY. That is more money than I make in a year!!! WTF is up with that. Makes me wonder if we have the right guys in jail. I mean if it costs that much per inmate........Are we sure they should be in jail? Absolutely sure? I mean I don't want our tax money to pay 47grad to have a pot head locked up in jail.

Maybe it is time we took a loooooooong look at the punishment for certain crimes. How come the sex predators and molesters are released from prison? Someone told me they have an 85% of doing it again. By the time they get caught they have already victimized Multiple people. Why are we letting them out?????

I have a couple of ideals.....Legalize Pot and used the money from that to pay for our prison system. Just an ideal......I mean is it worth it to pay 47,000 a year to put some who drinks a couple of drinks in jail? I mean if the person is a responsible person who only drinks at home and does not drive while drinking......What's the big deal? Having a couple of beers or smoking a joint? What's worse? Or is this the land of the free.......

Freedom refers, in a very general sense, to the state of being free (i.e. unrestricted, unconfined or unfettered). Also, liberation from restraint or from the power of another: independence. In short, freedom is the power to act and the cause which advances this power

Ok so if I am a responsible adult.......I do not have the freedom to smoke a joint......Yet I have the freedom to smoke cigs in a restaurant with a infant 50 feet away......What's worse the person who smoke near a child or the person that hides in the privacy of their own home and smokes pot.....

I read a quote from another lady's blog.......Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing secton in a pool......

Amen to that quote......

Just wondering......

2006-02-18T19:02:00.000-05:00

So I sit here and wonder........

When I think of my Dad does he think of me? Are all of our minds really connected in some way? Astrotravel? All that stuff. I have had tons of synchs in my life lately.

The phone rings at work......I know who it is before I pick it up. My office manager and I take guesses......LOL.....I guess right about 80% of the time. It has started to creep her out a little bit.

What she doesn't know is that if it is Scott I hear the sound of his car before I say hello....so I mouth Scott to the office manager.....Or if it is Andy calling he is always listening to KYW.....

Am I psychic? I don't think so. I think I am just really in tune to my surroundings.

So I went to have my massage a couple of weeks ago. The person giving it to me, told me I have a big sign on my head. The sign reads......Come dump your problems on me. The person said I attract people. He told me to turn off the sign.....I am carrying around the problems of the world in my shoulders...

I believe this person. I will have random strangers tell me all. This is who I am. Everyone places their problems on my lap. They feel like I always know the right thing to do. What they don't understand is I never tell them what to do.....I tell them to trust their gut feeling. Every question they ask me I ask them a question in return. I feel like it is not fair of me to make the ultimate decision for them.

Well I decided to play the power ball tonight......Will I win?

I won 100.00 in bingo last night. This morning I won 65.00 more dollars:-) I am feeling lucky and everything happens in threes right?

Wish me luck;-)

Bored

2006-02-16T14:04:00.000-05:00

Work is just so boring for me these days. The same old shit different day. I mean what is our purpose in life? To do the same old stupid stuff day in and day out? Or should I answer the call of my heart and become a stay at home mother. I would love to stay home w/ Andrew and enjoy it.

I guess you could say I have the baby bug. BIG TIME. I want another child. I want to have the perfect house and hand my husband slippers when he gets home and have dinner on the table ready to be eaten.

Take back my rights as a women and let me be a mother. Who decided that I wanted to vote? I rather not work in the business world. I rather have many children and raise them myself. Paying 230 a week for daycare is CRAZY. 12,000 dollars a year for WHAT? Expose my son to every imaginable sickness.

Then when you start to think about daycare for 2 children. 22,724.00.......What is the point of me working full time? Of course my company is a small business and the office manager thinks I should just hire a nanny.....Do you know how much that would cost? Sorry what I make does not even come close to what I would need to afford a nanny. "You have come so far....Do you really want to throw it all away to have another baby?" HELL YES. A job is a job I am not incompetent I can work ANYWHERE. I would save money on gas by not commuting 40 mins everyday.......4% increase this year......Does not even touch how much extra money I spent on gas........ Give me 15,000.00 more per year and I will think about staying.

Sheeshhhhhhhh I feel like I am in a lose lose situation. I want another child BUT I do not think that I can afford to work if I do. At least maybe I can work part time but then......then.....I lose my sense of family. I like being able to sit down and have dinner as a family. That is the only rule that I impose on my HB. Speaking of my HB I know that he is sort of flirting w/ the idea of having another baby. As it stands I AM the bread winner......So who do you think would be staying home?

Lately I feel like I have been missing out on Andrew and his day to day life. I feel like I should be gobbling up every moment with him. I could turn around tomorrow and he could be gone. At the same time I feel so blessed that I do have what I have. A wonderful caring husband and a beautiful little boy.

I am constantly reminding myself to live each day to the fullest. Tomorrow is a new day with new challenges. I do LOVE my life. I just get frustrated with the stupid things.....To me work is stupid in the scheme of things. Teaching my child the way of life. Why can't we slow down.....Why?????

I feel like by having another child I am rolling the dice.........What will fate impose on me? What is my purpose in life? Why am I here?

On a positive note something made me take the back way to work this morning........THANK YOU.......Otherwise I would have been stuck for 3 hours on the by-pass with an upset hungry toddler.

I have to get in the habit of blogging more......It feels good.....Even if it is random pointless thoughts.

Jen's Little Journal

2006-02-04T09:15:00.000-05:00

Jen's Little Journal

Saturday Morning

YEAH I get to spend all day w/ DS:-) I get to learn all the new things he has learned while I was at work. The other night he said I love Daddy.....Now I just need to hear him say I love Mommy........Not to be morbid in anyway but I have learned that life can be too short and that I have got to remind myself to appreciate all the little things. Maybe it is the fear that I would wake up and have lost everything.
The firm reminder of this comes from JR little stunt w/ the basement stairs.....I was just about to lock the door when he was closing the door behind and falling..........I don't know how I saved him but I just dove for the stairs.......Caught him by his ankle and hip....Banged up and bruised yes......Alive and kicking YES......phew divine intervention or Mom turned into super action hero.....I can only wonder.
I feel the need to explain parts of life and why I am who I am. I am a loving caring women. I listen very well and always lend a shoulder. Maybe b/c I feel like people need to express how they are feeling in all honesty instead of bottling up the emotions.

The reason why Jen is who she is.

I am 12 years old. My uncle comes over and we cook my Mom a grilled cheese sandwich.....Of course we burnt one side of it.....So we flipped it over and tried to hide the burnt side......LOL.....IT was a lovely day.....The end of summer.

The next day....I was outside at the neighbors house trying to flirt w/ a boy who lived on the next street over. My brother who was 5 came running over saying "Mom is on the phone....Something horrible has happened."

I go home and my Mom is yelling at her brother to call an ambulance. That she is on her way.

My Uncle committed suicide.....He was 24 almost 25. He did leave a note. "Dad I could not take it anymore" (Prozac gone wrong?) My uncle killed himself w/ a shotgun the day before fall.....He felt like fall was a time of death......So now every year on the last day of summer I remember.....Everything....The feelings of helplessness.....The uncontrollable sobbing....I love you.
Looking back he came to say good bye to all of us.....We just did not know.....He saw me the day before....He went and saw my Dad at work....Should we have known? Me being 12 blamed myself....Now I know I could not have possibly stopped him......I wish I could have.....That day started the downward spiral of my Mom's side of the family.

You have my Mom the oldest of 5 children. Her father was in the army and died in a car accident so we were told. Not the case at all he died without my Mom ever even meeting him about 7 years ago. Her Mom remarried the Old Man.....He passed away as well, a year before Kathy.

Then you have my Uncle B.......He is the one who found John. John was supposed to go hunting with B. And his friends.....John backed out...They all left to go hunting. My Uncle B came home and found John.....Oh god I can't even imagine.....

Next in line was my Aunt Kathy.........She had 3 children.......Got divorced lost her children because of drugs and alcohol. Alcohol killed her as well. She had hepititus and could not stop drinking. 4 years ago I had to stand with her children......18,16,15 at the hospital bed and tell them that we had to sign the DNR......What cruel world this can be. The nurses and doctors said her liver was SO far gone.....And she was so frail that if they did try to save her they might crack her ribs.....WTF? How am I supposed to handle this? We all stayed with her children while she passed.....telling her to let go....holding her hands.....she was almost 40.
Then you had Uncle John......RIP....

Last but not least you have my Aunt A. She was the youngest and she still has not forgiven herself to this day. She is now a single mother as well. I hope she is clean now.

Basically in a nut shell I feel like I grew up too quick.......I had to be strong for my Mom........My sister and brother hardly remember anything. They kind of were the lucky ones I guess. This is why I will get back to my reality and remind myself that life is too short and precious to forget.....

And this is only my Mom's side of the family.....I am so proud of my Mom for surviving. She is a rock most of the time. But my sister and brother think differently about her......They don't remember the pain and suffering like I do. My Mom has come a looong way......A loooooong way and I am so proud of her. Yes she might have flaws but she has been through a lot.

Hopefully my next post will be brighter.........I guess this is the journal I never wrote growing up......Flash backs to the past.....Raw emotions I am feeling....

Jan 28th 2006

2006-01-28T11:09:00.000-05:00

Today we took JR to the new playground down the street. He had sooooooo much fun playing on all the new equipment. I love seeing him so curious about everything......the planes in the air...and the leaf blowing in the wind. Where has the time gone? You are almost 2. Being a Mother has taught me to appreciate the small things in life.

A beautiful unseasonable warm January Day;-)

When we left the playground we decided to go look at the new construction site near our house. Building more town homes left and right.

DH used it as an opportunity to try out the 4x4 on the Jeep......LOL Down a muddy construction hill and back up....Thankfully we did not get stuck.

When we pulled up to our house and got out we heard the unmistakable sound of a punctured tire. Ah such is life......Needless to say lets hope DH makes it to the mechanic on time.